I read this article – Running on Empty – in Runner’s World this month, and it made me think about the fine lines between “normal” eating, disordered eating, and full-blown eating disorders.
I have never had a problem with my weight. I used to struggle with it, but only in a stupid, misguided and angsty way. Which is to say I have never had a real problem with weight, only struggled with the perception that I needed to lose weight. This has, at various points in my life, led me down the path of borderline obsessive-compulsive behaviour and, according to the article, disordered eating. For example:
- Swearing off all sweets/dessert for a month. Result: Eating jam out of a jar by the spoonful.
- Hard-core long cardio workouts 6-8 times a week. Result: Guilt over missed workouts and concern over the sudden appearance of non-existent fat bulges. (I should add that all this cardio was good for building my athletic base. Psychologically, though, it was the pits. And, let’s face it, classic fitness “plateau”.)
- Tracking every single item of food or drink that crossed my lips, counting the calories, and trying to keep the numbers low. Result: Self-hatred at lack of willpower and concern over aforementioned non-existent fat bulges.
Two pregnancies and at least a decade later, I realize how misguided all of it was. What a waste of energy, when I should have been celebrating how incredible my body was in my teens and twenties. (See mummy tummy post for more on this.)
I would be lying if I claimed to never think or worry about my weight or, more precisely, the shape of my body. But I think about it much less than I did back before I had kids. There are two reasons for this:
- I had kids and I’m getting older. That precise pre-baby body ain’t coming back without a bit of cosmetic surgery. Let it go.
- I train with achievement – not weight – goals in mind.
The irony is that training has made me fitter, faster, stronger, and – inevitably – lighter. I weigh slightly less now than I did in high school. But I would have a real problem if I continued to lose weight because it would mean I’m not eating enough, or the right things, to achieve the athletic goals I set for myself. I don’t think in terms of grams of fat or calories. I think about what I eat in the context of what’s healthy and not going to make me bonk in my next workout. Deprivation is counter-productive – I can’t be bothered with it anymore.
Leave a Reply